It seems like Cosmopolitan and other lady mags have advice on how to titillate your partner in bed every month. Try as they might, they often miss the mark.
Here’s the inside scoop on six surefire ways you can drive your partner wild in bed.
1. Be sure to wear your oldest, largest t-shirt to bed, the one with holes in it that hangs at an unflattering angle against your bloated, candy-filled belly. Nothing says “ugh, not tonight” like an improvised Homer Simpson costume. Nothing will drive them crazier!
2. Make sure their side of the bed is filled with books, headphones, newspapers, magazines and anything else that screams “I’ve been here for hours.” Your partner will go from zero to RAGE as you move things around for ten minutes, lights shining in their face as they try to sleep and you try to clean up.
3. Eat something that produces an unbelievable amount of crumbs while leaning over their side of the sheets. Watch them FREAK OUT and rip the sheets off the bed with passionate abandon!
4. If at all possible, develop a stress-induced sleep disorder that involves accidental and completely involuntary kicking and punching. Nothing says HOT like being punched in the back unexpectedly, or repeated kicks in the shins. The surprise sleep attack will keep them guessing, and add SPICE to an otherwise dull, sleep-filled evening.
5. Nothing says “let’s do this” like sleeping corner-to-corner. Take up as much room as possible by stretching your body diagonally across the center of the bed, forcing your partner into the fetal position. They’ll either sleep so soundly they’ll develop rigor mortis, or relent and roll over onto you. Hot!
6. You’re hot. You’re cold. You’re hot. You’re cold. You can’t make up your mind about the blankets because your sexy, sexy body has a mind all its own. It might be too early for perimenopause, but your partner doesn’t have to know that! Keep them guessing by throwing the blankets to the ground only to commandeer the blanket entirely moments later! Their blood will boil with excitement. You are a wild stallion!